One often hears about “communication problems” and “communication skills” in regards to relationships. What is it that makes communication effective or ineffective?

First, we have to answer, “effective for what?” All communication has a goal. What that goal is varies by situation. It could be to convey information, to seek out information, to make someone laugh, to make someone feel better, to make someone feel worse, to get someone to do something (or prevent them from doing something), to make yourself feel better, and so on. I’ll use the example of asking someone to do something.

It may seem that the goal of asking someone to do something is obviously to get that person to do that thing. I suggest a change in perspective in which this goal is secondary to the goal of maintaining a healthy relationship with that person. Specifically, I suggest that the highest priorities should be respect for the other person and respect for oneself. This means, in part, acknowledging the different (and possibly competing) personal goals of each individual, as well as how each person feels.

This is a more significant perspective shift than it may appear at first glance. It means not using communication to convince, coerce, pressure, demand, threaten, plead, beg, or manipulate. It means not using communication in order to get what you want, but rather to inform the other person about what you want and why, and then fully allowing them to make their own decision. In short, you must make it easy to say “no” and also not respond to such a refusal with bitterness, anger, punishment, etc.

Why is this such a big deal? Because communicating like this will result in getting what you want less often in many cases. Aggressive or passive-aggressive communication empirically does work much of the time for getting people to do things. The problem is that it sacrifices respect for self and respect for others.

If we have long term goals of maintaining a healthy relationship with a person, or maintaining our own psychological health, then we must accept not getting what we want in any given moment. There is no getting around this. The fact is that others do not have to do what you want them to do, even if you are capable of dishing out dire consequences for their refusal. They can always potentially choose to accept the consequences instead of doing what you say. In a relationship between equals, such as a friendship or marriage, the other person may be capable of dishing out consequences themselves, or they may simply end the relationship. (I would argue that all relationships are between equals, even in cases where one person ostensibly has authority over the other person.)

For me, resistance to letting go of getting what I wanted came from a dire fear of not having my needs met. The idea of being met with refusal felt catastrophic, unbearable, and unacceptable. This had a couple different consequences for my communication style. First, in order to avoid being refused anything, I seldom ever asked for what I wanted, instead passively going along with whatever others around me wanted. When something came up that I felt was a critical need for me, on the other hand, I felt it necessary to do everything in my power to convince the other person, because my level of fear was so extreme that it truly felt like a life-or-death situation.

In hindsight this seems obviously unhealthy and damaging to relationships. The core problem, however, was my inability to accept refusal when it happened. As mentioned, there is no way to truly make someone do what you want, you can only try very hard to convince them they would rather do it than not. Refusal does inevitably happen, and unwillingness to accept that reality causes a great deal of suffering. This is where the shift in perspective comes in. Being totally open to refusal doesn’t make you get what you want more often, it makes you better able to cope with the inevitable refusals that will happen regardless of what you do. Acceptance reduces suffering.

What else might be a benefit of changing communication style? For one, it reduces pressure on the other person which might be straining the relationship. If you have made it artificially difficult for the other person to say “no” to you, they may begin feeling trapped or burdened within the relationship. Making it easier to say “no” may even cause the other person to feel more willing to say “yes.” It also reduces interpersonal struggle in general since accepting a “no” prevents arguing about it. Additionally, demonstrating willingness to accept a “no” can (but doesn’t always) result in the other person feel more willing to accept a “no” from you, making you feel less pressure when something is asked of you.

The assertive style

I think of assertive communication as being “assertive” in the sense that it consists of assertions. These are indicative statements. I myself might call it “positive” communication (positive as opposed to normative, that is). Again, the goal is to effectively communicate a desire to someone and then allow them to decide for themselves what to do. Assertive communication involves stating feelings, wants, and needs in a direct way while being respectful of both yourself and the other person. This is summed up in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) interpersonal effectiveness skills as the acronyms DEAR MAN GIVE FAST.

Describe the facts of the situation without interpreting or judging them. State just what you personally have observed. Remember that you cannot observe another person’s thoughts or emotions, only their words and actions. Give the other person a chance to ask clarifying questions or describe things from their perspective if they observed something different from you.

Express how you feel about the situation as you have observed it. Identify and name the emotions. Use “I” statements to describe your reaction to a situation rather than describing the situation itself as frustrating, upsetting, etc.

Assert what you want to happen very clearly and unambiguously. This can feel extremely uncomfortable if you are used to using a more passive communication style.

Reinforce your request by describing the positive effects for the other person if they do what you are asking. Don’t threaten with possible negative consequences, and if it is necessary to discuss consequences of them saying “no,” do so neutrally and nonjudgmentally without appealing to emotion (like pity or sympathy).

Mindfully maintain a singular focus on your goals. Don’t get distracted. If the other person changes the subject, becomes aggressive or defensive, or verbally attacks or threatens you, stay focused and redirect the conversation back to the topic you want to discuss. Be a “broken record” and keep asserting over and over. If you or the other person needs to take a step back and return to the conversation later because emotions are boiling over, that’s ok.

Appear confident (but not cocky). This is a bit of a “fake it ’till you make it” thing. Make eye contact, remain calm, and use a steady tone of voice and confident body language. Don’t turn away, look at the floor, make yourself small, apologize, raise or lower your voice, etc. Again, if your emotions become too overwhelming, it is ok to take a break and come back to it later.

Negotiate with the other person by offering compromises or concessions, but stick to your values. Don’t negotiate to convince, negotiate to find a solution to the problem that will work for both parties. Suggest alternative solutions or ask the other person if they can think of alternative solutions.

Be gentle with the other person. Don’t attack, threaten, manipulate, harass, or demean them. Don’t judge, assign blame, or act morally superior. Express emotions explicitly using words, like for example “I feel really angry right now.”

Act interested. Actively listen to the other person and show them you are listening and understand what they are saying. Be patient and don’t interrupt. Actually try to see the situation from their point of view.

Validate the other person. This does not mean agreeing with what they say, it means expressing an understanding that their perspective is just as valid as yours even if it is different. People will never agree on absolutely everything and it’s not necessary to always agree. Respect that the other person has different life experiences and different perceptions from you.

Use an easy manner. In other words, have an easy-going attitude. Use humor and lightheartedness when appropriate. Allow the other person to feel relaxed and not like they are under any pressure.

Be fair to yourself and the other person. Validate your own feelings, goals, and values as well as theirs. Remember that your perspective is legitimate even when another person behaves in a way that is invalidating to you.

Don’t over-apologize. Reserve apologies for when you have genuinely wronged someone. Don’t apologize for making a request or disagreeing with someone else’s opinion.

Stick to your values. Don’t sacrifice your integrity. Stand firm on what you believe is right, even as you accept others having differing perspectives. Don’t give in to pressure to go along with someone else’s values instead of your own.

Be truthful. Describe facts and emotions as you honestly perceive them. Don’t exaggerate or understate. Don’t omit relevant information, lie, mislead, act helpless, or make excuses.

Reference: Marsha M. Linehan (2014), DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition.

Assertive communication: not just for the mentally ill and emotionally dysregulated

DBT was originally developed as a treatment for borderline personality disorder. It has since become an effective treatment for depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, substance use disorders, and more. However, as critical as these skills are for people experiencing emotional distress and relationship dysfunction, virtually everyone would benefit from improving their interpersonal effectiveness. Communication issues are a notoriously common reason why relationships and especially marriages deteriorate and end. Assertive communication is most difficult in situations with high emotional stakes, which are unfortunately common in marriages and close partnerships. Additionally, communication isn’t usually something that can be completely changed overnight.

As with all change, improving communication starts small. Practice using assertive communication in situations that are low-stakes so that a “no” isn’t devastating. Practice accepting refusal as well as willingness to say “no” yourself. Practice accepting that you cannot control another person’s actions. Practice accepting wanting something and not getting it.

Letting go of dealing with the world by trying to control it is extremely difficult. Everyone would prefer to have control. We would all like to be able to control the actions of other drivers on the road for example, whether to make them drive faster, change lanes, use their turn signal, not run a red light, not tailgate us, etc. We would all like to be able to control our health, whether to alleviate back pain, never get a cold again, avoid getting cancer, etc. We only have limited influence over most of what happens to us. We have limited influence even over our own emotional reactions.

It is in trying very hard to do the impossible that we exacerbate our suffering. You will never break a solid brick wall by punching it; your hand will break first, and continuing to punch the wall with a broken hand is highly inadvisable.